How To Not Date Your Best Friend
by DoubleMMia
Summary: "Just because Isabela and I have matching jumpers with our names sown on the cuff does not mean I wish to explore her chamber of secrets. We are just FRIENDS." Where everyone thinks Hawke and Isabela are dating. THEY AREN'T. F!Hawke/Isabela MODERN AU
1. Best Friends

**How To (Not) Date Your Best Friend**

"_Just because Isabela and me have matching jumpers with our names sown on the cuff does not mean I wish to explore her chamber of secrets. We are just FRIENDS." Where everyone thinks Hawke and Isabela are dating. THEY AREN'T. F!Hawke/Isabela MODERN AU_

The one thing that people can't understand about Hawke and Isabela is how they _aren't_ dating one another.

Hawke and Isabela were like ham and cheese yet also very much like oil and water; they worked well together, but they didn't _mix - Isabela laughed. Hawke yelled. Isabela laughed some more. Hawke gave up and walked around the ASDA a couple of times to get rid of her anger._

Yet they were _inseparable_ from one another in an almost embarrassing fashion that it made Isabela's on and off relationships look _laughable_ considering how most of the time Isabela would really get into the swing of the dates and then half way through phone Hawke when she knew Hawke was sleeping - because Hawke slept at eight pm every night, on the dot and every night when it reached half past nine Isabela would phone their house phone with glee - in knowing Hawke would wake up to yell down the phone at her.

Hawke's situation on dating is actually worse than Isabela's (if that can get any worse) because whenever Hawke goes on dates she actually brings Isabela along - "to make sure my womanhood doesn't get violated too much," - with such a scowl sent to the unfortunate bloke or woman she's dating that they don't even ask why Isabela's there because it's Hawke and you don't ask Hawke these things unless you want Hawke to give a sarcastic drawl of '…_And?_' in reply.

And then there is the pet names, ugh it was enough to make a kid with cavities overload at the complete sweetness and awfulness that was Hawke's and Isabela's nicknames for one another.

Hawke was nicknamed 'birdy' most of the time but there were those moments where Isabela lost herself in the utter joy of being herself (and falling in and out of Hawke's lap when she was disgustingly high off the drugs Varric kept bringing around their flat - the drugs Aveline turned a blind eye at) and called Hawke her '_sugar dumpling_' which of course had only gotten out to the rest of Hawke's and Isabela's friends when Hawke brought it up by complete accident.

(Isabela had thrown her mug of Rockstar at her - Hawke had banned Isabela from drinking for a day - which ended up with Hawke and Isabela wrestling on the café floor whilst Varric wrote it down. Good times).

Hawke was far more subtle about her nickname for Isabela, which meant that it wasn't that embarrassing considering Isabela's unusual nicknames for the other woman but how on earth did people not blink an eyelid whenever Hawke addressed Isabela as 'snooks' or 'yo ho ho' was beyond the normal way of thinking.

And then the sharing of _mothers and fathers_ if it couldn't get any more horrifyingly obvious that Hawke and Isabela were somehow 'secretly' dating without them acknowledging it themselves.

Isabela had never known her mother or father that well, she'd been passed on all the way through her family ever since she was four and that was why she had ended up in a dingy bungalow with her uncle Jack (whom she called Captain Jack) at the age of six. This had also been the time Isabela had punched a four year old Hawke in the mouth for saying Isabela's hair was dumb and so was her uncle's pretend pirate ship.

(Isabela had felt guilty afterwards, hurting a four year old and all, and had dragged Hawke to her room in her uncle's bungalow and had shown Hawke all her favourite spyglasses and glass ships on her shelf. Hawke was too awed to speak).

Hawke quickly wondered where Isabela's mother and father was and Isabela had of course made up a story about how they were sailing around the seas together and that one day they'd come back for her; not that it had bothered Isabela that much what Hawke had thought back then. The younger girl had only been four for crying out loud!

Hawke didn't really understand what Isabela had meant anyway and before the day was out she had dragged Isabela to her house to meet her own mother and father (Leandra was a darling woman and Malcolm was the most funniest person in the world in Isabela's mind) and had announced she could have both of them if the dark-skinned girl wished.

Hawke had also tried to pawn off both Bethany, Carver and her cousin Alexandrea, but Isabela took one look at the squealing Carver and Bethany and had _run_; children were especially not her forte.

All of these little things and niggles were what made people immediately think that Hawke and Isabela were exploring each other's chambers of secrets, that they were polishing the ol' grinder, that they were commanding each other's shepards, that they were calibrating their guns and so fourth.

However when people asked if they were a couple all they received were Isabela's snorting and Hawke's glare of doom.

"Me and Birdy? Pft! _Right. _Hawke can't even get into her own knickers, never mind mine!" Isabela would always so in an ever-so _eloquent_ fashion; it would also lead to Hawke also snorting and turning her nose up at the unlucky questioner who even bothered to ask such a question.

"We're just friends." Hawke would often supply Isabela with some back up if she was feeling in a particularly friendly mood that day. "Occasionally we make each other's lunches and make sure we're wearing the right amount of clothes before going to work."

"Occasionally Hawke makes sure I'm wearing pants AFTER work too." Isabela would also say with that sinfully dirty smile of hers. Hawke would then blush slightly and punch the dark-skinned woman in the gut for good measure.

"I also make the sandwiches look like pirate ships. I'm that nice."

* * *

><p>"…So yes that's all I can tell you about Hawke and Isabela," Aveline said with a sigh, breaking out of her story to gesture to the petite girl beside her the café where most of her friends were. "Well not all of it but I don't want to be taking up all your time reciting the love life of my friends. Here's the café I was talking about Merrill."<p>

Merrill, who had been listening rather intently to the whole tale (with little aws here and there) looked disappointed at the end of the story, stopping with a little pout that made Aveline sigh and shake her head.

"No Merrill I'm not telling you any more ridiculous tales about Hawke and Isabela," Aveline pointed once more towards the café that was on the other side of the road they were walking on. "Besides they're probably inside and I don't want you flailing everywhere when you first see them."

Merrill tilted her head to the side, addressing the other woman with a curious smile. "Why would I be flailing Aveline? Oh! Are they going to be cute? Will they cuddle?"

Aveline sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose with a shake of her head. "Oh I doubt they'll be cuddling Merrill, they'll probably be just arguing over who feeds the muffin to one another first. It's their daily ritual."

Merrill stared up at the ginger woman with a look of complete wonder, her cheeks flushed and the tips of her fingers pressed together in a way that looked like the younger girl was praying. "A-are you saying they feed each other muffins? T-that's so…Adorable!"

Aveline made an aghast sound at the very back of her throat. "Merrill! You don't even know the two of them!"

By the excitement on Merrill's face and how the young student would not stop bouncing on her heels no matter what, it didn't really seem like Merrill actually cared if she knew Hawke or Isabela or not. She was just that excited and amazed at the adorableness of them both.

"Whatever you do Merrill," Aveline advised in the shorter girl's ear, sending the student a 'just-trust-me' look that Merrill only answered with a small, if confused, smile. "Don't flail when you walk in. Hawke can detect flailing from miles away, so reduce the god damn flailing."

Merrill didn't understand why she would be flailing in the first place anyway, sure this Hawke and Isabela sounded extremely cute but she wasn't going to do anything like _flail_; that was just too silly even for a little thing like her.

Aveline nodded to someone who looked like one of the café's workers, stopping for a brief moment to pat the tall, lanky man on the shoulder and then address him with a smile that Merrill felt extremely envious to. Why didn't Aveline smile at her like that? She was far cuter. Or so her mother always told her.

And her hair was a nicer colour too, although she really did think his pale hair fit well with his dark-skin and the white tattoos that looked like celtic knots; it was almost as if Merrill was looking at one of those fancy elves from all the fantasy comics she still read whenever she had the time.

"Evening Fenris, working late are we?" Aveline said with another smile that made Merrill look up to see the taller man was staring down at Aveline with disinterest.

"We're going to be closing up around half six so I've got an hour left," Fenris said with a nonchalant shrug before he allowed his eyes to settle on the door of the Hanged Man café. "That and Hawke and Isabela are causing a scene in there. I'm too worried to look."

Aveline arched an amused eyebrow at him. "You? Worried?"

"You would be worried too if you had to put up with the revolting amount of affection those two place on one another each and every day." Fenris grumbled with another shake of his head, turning away from them both to continue cleaning the window. "Enjoy your stay Aveline, order an extra strong coffee for yourself from my bill."

Aveline laughed and cheerfully patted Fenris on the shoulder, turning to push open the door to the café for Merrill to walk into - her eyes looking this way and that way in search for this Hawke and Isabela that Aveline had been speaking about for quite a while now.

It turned out they were both extremely easy to find.

A few feet away from where Merrill was standing she could see a group of people surrounding a table far smaller than the actual group with two participants fighting and struggling over something that looked like a banana-chipped muffin (Merrill could tell what muffin it was because she just knew these things, that and banana was her favourite).

Aveline cupped her forehead with an aggravated sigh, giving Merrill a look from the corner of her eyes. "_This_ Merrill, is the abomination I did not want you to witness when I brought you here."

Merrill stared at the group of people again, taking mental notes on the group and guessing what their names were with what little information Aveline had told her about them.

The first person she noticed was a rather short man who couldn't be over thirty with his opened grey shirt that exposed curled blonde rings of chest hair that seemed to glint in the light the lamps above the group provided. Merrill guessed him to be Varric taking into consideration that Aveline had said that he was a writer and at this time Varric had a pen in his hand and was writing down viciously in his notepad whenever he stared long enough at Hawke and Isabela.

The second person Merrill noticed that wasn't Hawke and Isabela was a moody looking man with his dirty blonde hair tied up in a ponytail, his chin resting in the palm of his hand and his eyes staring at the fighting pair next to him with a sad glint in them. Anders perhaps? Aveline had told her that Anders was Hawke's boyfriend; which meant that Merrill immediately didn't think it wasn't going to last.

_("They've dated everyone in our own group. And I mean everyone." Aveline had told her with a shake of her head. "And they've both been dumped by everyone too. Frankly, it's a bit embarrassing. Although to be fair Hawke hasn't gone out with Tallis just yet, she's pretty new herself. But don't worry, she soon will.")_

So that meant the only remaining companion who wasn't Hawke and Isabela must be the Tallis Aveline was talking about right? The red-haired petite woman who had her head thrown back and was laughing heartily at the antics of the two women in the middle of the table.

Merrill looked back at her guardian of today - also the woman who had shown her around her new home of Kirkwall - with a confused look. She was so sure Aveline had mentioned others…

"Bethany, Carver, Alexandrea and Sebastian are all at work at this time," Aveline answered her unasked question. "Don't worry I'll introduce you to them another time. Anyway lets go before Hawke and Isabela start wrestling on the floor again."

Merrill couldn't help herself. _She flailed_.

* * *

><p>Hawke stopped from her activity of trying to force hers and Isabela's shared muffin right down the older woman's throat to look ahead at the flailing girl Aveline was accompanying around the city for a few days. Something about the girl being a newcomer.<p>

"Isabela," Hawke cleared her throat and pinched the older woman's thigh to make Isabela look up from their warring hands to where Hawke was gesturing to with her hands. "That girl with Aveline is flailing at us."

The dark-skinned woman next to her also shifted her gaze away from the banana muffin in their hands towards the young girl Hawke had pointed out; eyes darkening in lustrous appeal once she caught sight of the woman accompanying Big Girl. "Well would you look at her Hawke? Who even cares that she's flailing? Look at her big, pretty eyes!"

"I have big pretty eyes too." Hawke pointed out with a morose grumble, reaching over Varric's head to grab her coffee and take a negligent sip from the mug.

Varric snorted and continued to write, whispering to Tallis from over Ander's, Isabela's and Hawke's head with little chuckles and hardly-heard whispers.

Isabela fixed the hair on top of Hawke's head (Hawke was stupid and never seemed to comb her head in the right fashion, Isabela had declared it a chore of hers to fix it whenever she found a stray hair out of place) and patted the pale woman on her very high-cheekbones. "I know birdy, but look at her! She's like a little kitten that you just want to steal and take home! What do you think?"

Hawke didn't even miss a beat to answer Isabela's question. "Go for it _Snooks_, I'm rooting for you." And then when Isabela opened her mouth to speak again Hawke took the advantage of stuffing the banana muffin inside Isabela's mouth. "Now eat the banana muffin!"

"Never!" Isabela cried out between chewing on the delicious treat that was the banana muffin and using her leg to curl out and kick at Hawke's chair - the result being they both toppled out of their chairs to wrestle one another on the floor; as per usual.

Varric patted Anders sympathetically on the arm at catching his pouting at seeing his girlfriend and his best friend wrestling each other on the café floor. "There there blondie, I give it two weeks before you finally get fed up and dump her."

"I heard that Varric you little - Ow! Snooks! Mind where you put your goddamn elbow!"

"Stop trying to feed me banana muffins then! And mind where you put your flaming knee! My vag will not feel the same if you keep jabbing it with your knee of bloody bluntness!"

Tallis just shook her head and also reached over to pat Ander's arm, looking as sympathetic as she usually did whenever something bad happened to Anders - which meant not a great deal. "Don't worry Anders. You'll find a girl who loves you just as much as Hawke loves Isabela."

"We're just friends!" Two loud, high-pitched voices from the floor insisted. Which the group ignored of course, they never listened to stupid voices from the floor anyway.

A cough broke the group from their usual banter, making all five of them glance up to see that the flailing girl Aveline was with was now in front of them with her cheeks flushed and her eyes gleaming wildly.

Aveline soon followed the girl, gracing them all with her usual stoic nod before gesturing towards the smaller girl with a hand. "Group, this is Merrill. She's new around here so I thought it would be…nice for her to meet some new people. Namely you pack of unwanted insanities."

Isabela's head immediately appeared from underneath the coffee table, a lurid smirk on her face that remained even when she banged her chin on the very edge of the table; her eyes focusing only on the recently introduced Merrill.

"Why hellooooo there," Isabela drawled with her amber eyes moving up and down appreciatively over Merrill's lithe form. "Now why would a delicious sample like you be hanging around with Lady Man-Hands over here?"

Aveline growled and threw the nearest object at Isabela's head - which luckily for the dark-skinned woman turned out to be a plastic fork. "Shut up whore, the girl hasn't even been in here for five minutes and you're already showing off your knickers."

Hawke's head also appeared from underneath the coffee table a few moments later, a look of displeasure on her features.

"Isabela isn't wearing pants today, I tried and tried to get her to put some on but she managed to run out of our apartment before I could catch her," Hawke shot the dark-skinned woman a glare. "It's a disgusting habit."

"Your face is disgusting!" Isabela retorted back with a flick at Hawke's nose and a whisper that sounded suspiciously like '_stop ruining my chances birdy!_'

"D-do you live in an apartment together?" Merrill asked Isabela with an adorable stammer that immediately managed to get Isabela's attention away from her best friend for half a moment to answer.

"Of course! Nobody else would let me crash with them! Not even Big Girl!" Isabela answered with a wink towards the staggeringly tall Aveline. "Besides Hawke lets me walk around naked in the apartment, a win-win situation!"

"Only because you let me watch 60 Minute Makeover in peace. That and you let me sleep a little later than usual before calling me at half seven or eight because I truly cannot remember." Hawke retorted back with a frown before she too looked up at Merrill with a rather nonchalant look spreading itself over her face.

Merrill squealed and flapped her arms around uselessly after a few seconds of awkward silence, turning to face Aveline to flap her arms some more until Aveline sighed, took Merrill by the shoulder and led her towards the long cue of people waiting to get their coffee.

Tallis gave both Hawke and Isabela a look that could only mean she was disappointed with them both. "You two cannot stop yourself can you?"

Isabela gave the redhead the most innocent look she could muster. "Was it something I said?"

Hawke sighed and threw the remaining chip of the banana muffin at the back of the dark-skinned woman's head.

* * *

><p><em>I usually would never associate Dragon Age with the modern world because it's just too awesome to be part of the modern world. <em>

_But when an idea strikes. It strikes._


	2. China Plates Are Made In China

**China Plates Are Made In China**

_Where Hawke and Isabela are still not a couple and there is china plates. And more flailing.  
>(Also, thank you for your kind reviews. I appreciated and loved every single one of them) <em>

* * *

><p><strong>H<strong>awke, Merrill thought to herself as she got into Aveline's car (squealing to herself at the thought that both herself and Aveline would be picking up the objects of her affections soon enough) with her hands tucked tightly into her pockets, was actually a very nice individual.

After Merrill had done flailing the other day with the enthusiasm of a hamster on crack, Hawke had been kind enough to offer Merrill a ride back to the apartment she was staying at - which funnily enough was the same apartment Isabela and Hawke lived in - and had even kept her company for quite a while until Isabela had gotten back to bang on Merrill's door, demanding that Hawke still hadn't cleaned out the bath tub and was needed at once.

_("They're like a married couple!" Merrill had squealed down the phone to her mother Marethari with little whimpers escaping her mouth after every long pause that followed. "They feed each other MUFFINS!")_

"Now Merrill remember what we talked about last night?" Aveline's deep throaty rumble broke Merrill away from her thoughts to stare straight ahead at the back of the ginger head that belonged to her guardian Aveline Vallen. "After you almost promptly knocked yourself out trying to see where Hawke and Isabela were going to? Do you remember the conversation?"

Merrill nodded with a sigh, pressing her face up against the window to stare out at the white droplets of snow, ice and rain that had descended on the city of Kirkwall in a matter of hours instead of days.

"Yes Aveline," she muttered with her eyes peeled directly to her brown ugg boots that kept her feet all warm and snuggly, just like when she cuddled up to her favourite plushie named Mr Alistair - he was snuggly too! "I am not to flail or to squeal or to whimper in Isabela's and Hawke's presence. They might get uncomfortable or worse they might start wrestling again."

Aveline looked over her shoulder to look at Merrill as she waited for the lights to switch over again, giving the young student a sympathetic smile. "Believe me, you're not the first person to overreact when it comes to those two. Tallis freaked out too before deciding she was going to bed both of them."

Merrill looked awed instead of the horrified look Aveline had hoped would appear on the younger girl's face, so with an instant Merrill was asking questions with no intention of ever stopping.

"Oh you don't think Tallis is going to get in the way of them being together do you?" Merrill squeaked with a pathetic whimper escaping her soon after, ignoring Aveline's protests and unbuckling her seat belt to move into the front of Aveline's car to poke and nudge at the older woman's arm. "I mean it's ever so sad that Hawke is unintentionally stringing Anders along but you don't think Tallis would destroy the Hawkbela relationship would you?"

Aveline indulged her with a look that is half smile and half confused glare, it is a very weird combination Merrill has to admit.

"What in the world is a Hawkebela?" Aveline finally mustered up the courage to ask the very second the lights turned green and she's driving a regular pace up towards the Kirkwall library where Hawke had told them to meet both herself and Isabela. "And why am I not surprised it's something you've made up in the very short amount of time meeting the two of them?"

Merrill fastened her seatbelt as she continued on with her rambling answers to Aveline's dry, sarcastic questions. "Oh Hawkebela is just Hawke and Isabela combined because everyone does that for Brad and Angelina don't they? I'm sure Hawke and Isabela won't mind if I name them that! Maybe they'll feel a tiny bit flattered?"

Aveline gave Merrill an exasperated look she turned a corner, not truly believing what she was witnessing or liking it either.

"Merrill," the older woman started with her eyes focused determinedly in front of her (Aveline knew if she looked at the younger girl she might actually do something she'd regret, like _plotting_ right along with her) so she could watch out for any particularly icy parts on the road. "Please do me a favour and don't call them Hawkebela whilst they are in hearing range? They might feel a bit uncomfortable or even worse, they might actually start naming themselves that."

Merrill clapped her hands excitedly at that, making Aveline groan enough that when the older woman finally pulled up into the parking lot of the Kirkwall library that she rubbed at her aching forehead.

Aveline looked around the entrance of the library, stifling a sigh of relief at the two figures that were coming down the library stairs with their hands tucked into the pockets of their long coats.

"Merrill remember what…" Aveline started just to be interrupted by Merrill's hand covering her mouth with a sweet smile on her lips.

"No flailing!"

* * *

><p><strong>"I<strong> can't believe you lost your bloody gloves again," Isabela chuckled as both herself and Hawke descended Kirkwall's library's steps. "In a library as well! What? Do you just leave them somewhere on purpose?"

"I don't lose them on purpose!" Phoenix Hawke grumbled with a light shove at Isabela's shoulder. "They just disappear when I'm least expecting it! And you know what? It's always around _you_ Snooks."

Isabela narrowed her eyes at her companion at that (before fixing the stupid strand on top of Hawke's head) with a look that clearly challenged Hawke's not so subtle accusation. "Are you telling me that you think I keep all your missing gloves somewhere in some sort of symbolic shrine to your gloves?"

"It would explain why you won't ever allow me to look into your wardrobe when my socks go missing." Hawke said with a half smile, not missing a beat once. "And how you NEVER let me look underneath your bed ever."

"Birdy do I have to remind you of the Box?" Isabela replied in that tone one used when they were trying to scare the freaking pyjamas off someone - which surprisingly worked on Hawke like a charm because nobody, ever, ever mentioned the Box around her.

The Box lived underneath Isabela's bed and was packed to the brim with unsavoury objects that Hawke didn't even wish to describe (she was just too much of a prude to even think about the objects, never mind describe them) what the objects were, their shape or size.

It was also where Isabela's glasses case rested on top of; really only put there so Hawke wouldn't kidnap Isabela's glasses and proceed to torture them with the worst punishment possible - _licking them_.

Still the Box was a horrible place for Hawke's mind to travel to, so now that Isabela had brought it up she felt like she was going to either be sick or go into a rage so great that she'd have to curl up into her cream long coat even more so that she could somehow get eaten by the traitorous fabric.

"Don't mention the _Box_ Isabela!" Hawke hissed underneath her breath with her eyes glued to Aveline's car in a desperate hope that if she paid more attention to it then the long trek towards the library's car park would get smaller in distance.

Isabela threw up her hands in mock surrender with an amused snort. "Oh don't worry Birdy I won't mention it again. And will you put your hands in your pocket at least? You're making me look cold by just looking at you."

"I can't! They're frozen together!" Hawke protested with a huff, presenting her 'frozen' hands to the dark-skinned woman who sighed and picked off her own glove with a shake of her head.

Isabela pried Hawke's hands apart and shoved her left glove onto Hawke's with another sigh (although it could be argued whether it was a sigh of exasperation or affection). She kept her right glove on and grabbed Hawke's freezing right hand and tucked it into her pocket of her dark coat instead of Hawke's cream one, answering Hawke's stare with a '_look_'.

"You are so stupid Birdy," Isabela finally said with a bright smile, laughing at Hawke's stare of obliviousness and punching the other woman in the shoulder. "Come on otherwise Big Girl might actually just drive off without us."

Hawke blinked and look over at Aveline's car, she then addressed the older woman next to her with an arched brow. "She wouldn't do that to us would she?"

Isabela opened her mouth to speak however was drowned out by the sound of a car engine roaring to life; instead she playfully glared at Hawke and flicked the tip of her nose.

"Birdy you just HAD to ask didn't you?"

And then they were running like their lives depended on it.

"AVELINE! WAIT UP!"

"Big Girl! Stop will ya? It's not like you need to drive a car when all you need to do is pick up a herd of cows to pull you along!"

"_Snooks! Not helping!_"

* * *

><p><strong>F<strong>enris stared down at his watch with his brow furrowed in exasperation and impatience. It had been over an hour since Isabela had phoned him to say they'd be coming to pick up their illegal dog known as Alistair.

Alistair was illegal for two reasons: the first being that he hadn't been registered when Isabela had gone and stolen him from some Russian Mafia dude in _Spain_ (Maker knows what he was doing there) who had also been rather pissed off that his favourite mabari had been stolen and had tracked Isabela and Hawke down right to their apartment where they had to pretend they had no idea what the Russian was saying until he left, cursing at them in English instead of Russian.

(_"Isabela is there something you'd like to tell me?" Hawke had said quite innocently as she peered out the window into the streets of Kirkwall. "Anything drastically important?"_

_Isabela, who had been too busy having a Torchwood marathon so she could giggle quietly at all the make-out scenes, looked up at her with a confused smile. "Uh no? Why? What's wrong?"_

_Hawke had then proceeded to take in five deep breaths before answering. "Well I'll try not to worry you but there are five men looking into our windows with what looks like sniper rifles. Do I have to add they don't look very happy?"_

_Isabela had slowly shut her laptop and had placed her glasses - with unsteady hands - on the coffee table. "OH…That.")_

The second reason was that because Hawke and Isabela lived in a flat they were expected to have weekly check ups from their tenant known solely as Mr Smith who had made it quite clear when Isabela and Hawke had moved in that NO animals were allowed. It was why the two of them had to hoist Alistair down on a large section of cardboard every Saturday morning out their window so that they could sneak the large hound out just before Mr Smith checked their rooms.

It's why Alistair is propped on Fenris's lap right now, licking at his cheek ever so often that Fenris finds it hard to figure out when the hound will actually do it and stop him; this of course is just leading Fenris into more of a bad mood than before.

He had planned to take Alex out to that shabby restaurant near the Hanged Man café but now he was completely stuck in slow-motion waiting for Hawke and Isabela to come and pick their mutt up and NOW he was expecting the new girl Merrill (who flailed more times than he could count) and Aveline to appear so the older woman could introduce her to Alex.

Things really didn't want to go his way today it seemed.

Alex came in after a few moments of humming and uploading her photos to her website, stopping dead at seeing Fenris staring moodily at the front door with the expectation that sooner or later Hawke and Isabela would burst through it.

"What did the door ever do to you?" Alexandrea Hawke teased with a little jab of her hips towards the side of Fenris's head, making it bob a little at the unintentional roughness.

"It's not opening." Fenris said in way of explanation, sighing when he met Alex's gaze. "It's not revealing your damn cousin or her best friend. And I still don't understand why you insisted on wanting to see this new girl, all she does is flail and mouths words that suspiciously sound like 'banana' and 'fish'."

"You are so moody Fenris, guess I shouldn't tell you I invited her over for dinner too."

Fenris groaned into his hands. "That means Hawke and Isabela will stay too."

"You _like_ Hawke and Isabela." Alex reminded him with a cheerful smile and a chaste kiss on top of Fenris's head. "Sure their antics get tiresome after a while but they are too adorable together that I can't exactly tell them no to dinner. Besides! This will give you a chance to talk to my cousin and tell her all the juicy gossip!"

Fenris opened his mouth to speak yet before he could utter a single word his ears were overloaded with the sound of the doorbell and Alistair's barking, instead all that escaped from his parted lips was a grouchy grumble as he got up to go answer the door.

Aveline and the small flailing girl soon piled in with both their faces flushed and their breathing erratic, almost as if they had been running all the way to his and Alex's house.

"What is wrong with you two?" Fenris found himself asking before he could stop himself, rubbing at the ache that had all of a sudden occurred in his head.

"We're running away from Hawke and Isabela!" Merrill, the flailing girl, answered him with a bright smile and a hug to his middle that not only made him extremely uncomfortable but tense too. "Aveline made them walk here so they're in a very grumpy mood now."

Alex appeared by Aveline's side in an instant, brow furrowed in worry. "Where's Isabela and Phoenix then?"

A yell of "BIG GIRL" soon answered her, causing the room the sigh in annoyance.

* * *

><p><strong>"Y<strong>ou left me to die," Isabela stammered through gritted teeth at the sniggering redhead who was sitting opposite to her on the couch. "In the cold with only Birdy for company."

"You like my company," Phoenix responded with a pat on the dark-skinned woman's head as she went to help her cousin with setting the plates out.

"Birdy that's not the point! I could have _DIED_ and who else would watch Merlin with you every Saturday night?"

"Oh I like that show!" Merrill piped up beside the shivering woman, giving Isabela a wide smile. "Me and my mam used you to watch it together before I moved! Do you like it?"

Isabela frankly wouldn't mind what she liked as long as she kept Merrill's attention on her long enough that she could get her seducing skills on - which FAR overtook Birdy's who didn't even know how to flirt with people yet managed to go out with Varric once.

"I like many things kitten," Isabela started with husky drawl escaping her lips, leaning back into the velvety cushion of Alex's and Fenris's couch with her one leg draped over the other - her position of absolute confidence. "You can ask every one of my many lovers and they'll tell you! I'm like an angel who's fallen from grace because I like so many things and I'm not picky at all."

Everyone in the room besides from Merrill shared a look at that (which of course Isabela caught) and carried on with whatever they were doing before.

"I hate you all." Isabela declared with a huff before she too got up from the couch - with a pat to Merrill's head - to help Alex and Phoenix with the dishes.

Alex took one look at Isabela's entrance and passed the dark-skinned woman the most delicate piece of china Isabela had even been grace to hold.

Not that many people gave Isabela their china to hold, no, mostly it was just holding stuff like Hawke's dirty underwear, her socks, her hat, her gloves (when Hawke could actually be bothered not to lose them) and occasionally Hawke's gel for her hair (because Hawke thought that slicking her hair with gel to keep pesky curls down was a GREAT idea) which was too much of a lost cause already, never mind the gel.

"Don't drop the china Isabela," Alex told her in that voice she used when talking to simpletons like Birdy. "It's a gift from Mum. And you know how Mum gets when you break her china."

Birdy shot her a half-smile then at the mention of Leandra. "Remember what happened last time?"

(_Isabela sort of liked it when her best friend smiled. Mostly because it didn't happen that often_).

"I had to go apologize." Isabela mumbled to the plate that she held in her hand, refusing to look any of the Hawke's in the eye when it came to such a humiliating event of apologizing to Leandra. They wouldn't understand like the plate did. They would laugh whilst the plate would remain silent - what a funny old world they lived in.

Mum was one of those words everyone in their little group associated with Leandra, Isabela called Leandra her mum because Leandra HAD been her mum through almost all her life; coming to her school assemblies, packing her lunchbox when she stayed over at Hawke's, buying her glass ships whenever they went shopping and well…Leandra had been a great mum to her.

And well the rest of the group had either been orphans, they didn't get on well with their parents or they had been passed along the family - it seemed like only Phoenix, Carver and Bethany were the only fortunate ones to belong to a family that loved them all dearly.

Where had Hawke collected them all from anyway? Why couldn't Hawke collect coins or something?

_("So why do you collect all the orphans up Bird-brains?" Isabela remembered asking Hawke once, wiping the lenses of her reading glasses with her thumb. "Didn't your mom let you collect anything else?"_

"_You're not an orphan." Hawke had pointed out, reaching over to grasp Isabela's glasses from her hands and licking them. _

"_Does that make me special? Aw, I'm the special one aren't I? And hey, what have I said about you cleaning my glasses?" _

"_Special needed more like and stop being a pussy, it's only spit." _

"_Frankly Birdy the only saliva I want from you is. Wait. I don't want any saliva from you." _

"_Glad to hear it.")_

"Isabela stop teasing Alistair," Alex reminded her the moment Isabela was about to try and balance the china plate on top of the mabari's nose. "You know how I don't like you balancing stuff that belongs to me on his nose."

Isabela ignored Hawke's cousin and balanced the very tip of the plate on the mabari's nose, looking over her shoulder to see if anyone was watching before she lifted her hand higher to see if Alistair would go up on his hind legs.

Instead the mabari was stupid enough to bark which of course meant his head mood, which of course meant that the plate (that Isabela had balanced so delicately) was now proceeding to fly through the air.

Not even Birdy could think of the words to say to her when Alex's precious china connected with the hard wood of the plate drawer, and well, that was NOT good.

"I'll pay for that!" Isabela declared the instant the smash had occurred, already tugging her jeans down to grab at the wad of money hidden inside her red panties (because how clever was she? Now she couldn't get robbed that easy!) to present it to the bewildered Alexandrea Hawke's face. "Aw don't look at me like that. I did try and catch it."

Phoenix gave her a smirk over her shoulder, still continuing to place the knives and forks in the right order. "I think you better run."

"I think you're right Birdy! Come on Alistair! I think I heard a cat meow!"


	3. Baby Blues

**Baby Blues**

_NO. They still aren't going out, stop asking! There will be pregnancy tests and magical cocks though.  
>Also: Thank you faithful reviewers, I hope to keep you entertained for a while longer. <em>

**"I**sabela," Aveline called softly to the translator who at the moment was actually translating pig language to the bewildered Phoenix Hawke next to her. "Do you remember when you thought you was pregnant?"

The table fell silent because nobody ever brought up the fiasco where everyone had thought Isabela to be pregnant, mostly because it alluded to Hawke having a cock and well that was just slightly embarrassing for both sides.

It wasn't really an awkward silence however because it never really is when it comes to Isabela, the only time it does become awkward is when Anders opens his mouth and really who can actually stop him? Once his off, his off and even Hawke looks annoyed at her own boyfriend for opening his gob and…well. Gobbing off.

"There's so many times when we think Isabela's pregnant," Anders muttered moodily (though every participant at the table knows that he's just being jealous - not that any of them can blame him). "She visits my surgery every other month with the feeling she might be knocked up."

Sebastian, who was sitting opposite to Anders, sent him a disgusted look and carried on reading his newspaper; not willing to listen to anything involving Isabela and sex in the same sentence.

"She does?" Varric said with an odd look in his eye before he sighed and scribbled out a whole paragraph in his notepad. "Well there goes THAT idea. Thanks Blondie, I was better off not knowing."

Anders tipped his coffee cup at the other blonde man with a cheerful laugh whereas Isabela sighed in annoyance, reaching over to swat at Anders head with the very tips of her fingers.

"You know Anders that information is supposed to be classified!" Isabela grumbled into Hawke's shoulder when the younger woman offered it, only doing so in knowing that it would probably piss off the blonde man even more. Strangely enough he was actually jealous of hers and Hawke's friendship, ridiculous right?

"Nothing's ever classified with you in the picture," Aveline reminded the dark-skinned woman with an arched brow. "Now as I was saying, do you actually remember when Hawke thought she had managed to knock you up?"

Merrill resisted the urge to flail by curling her fingers together under the table, now was not the best times to flail uselessly like a little fan girl.

"Those were a rough two weeks." Hawke responded in the way Anders had expected her to, with complete and utter seriousness. Like Hawke actually didn't care how _he_ might feel at hearing this story over and over again. "Two weeks of thinking that I shagged in my bed."

Isabela patted Hawke on the hand sympathetically with a quirk of her lips. "Don't worry Bird-brain, at least you found out you actually didn't have a cock."

Anders furrowed his brow at the interaction between the two and stole a cookie off Fenris's tray (earning him a glare) to take big, loud bites of to try and distract his own jealous thinking that was happening in his head.

"I already knew I didn't have a proper cock thank you very much." Hawke muttered darkly with a playful shove to Isabela's shoulder. "I was just scared I might have grown a magical cock and shanked you with it."

"Implications…_Unpleasant_." Sebastian quipped up from behind his newspaper to be silenced by Varric's cheery laughter and a swat of a tea towel to the Scottish man's face.

"Agreed." Aveline sighed in agreement before she patted Varric on the shoulder and gestured to Merrill. "Tell the girl the story Varric and no embellishments that aren't suitable for PG viewers."

Varric had the right (or so he believed) to look offended. "Red! When have I EVER told stories that aren't suitable for children?"

Merrill blinked and rested her head on Isabela's spare shoulder - the other was being preoccupied by Hawke's hand trying to delicately balance a banana muffin on it - with a pout. Isabela only patted her head in response.

It wasn't as if Merrill was TRYING to get Isabela to fancy her because that would totally ruin her plan of getting Hawke to admit she really wouldn't mind sharing Isabela's bed now and then in a way that didn't involve pillow-fighting or looking for stolen underwear Hawke claimed Isabela kept stealing when she was asleep.

Not that Merrill believed what Hawke said, because that would just be creepy otherwise.

"Varric, just get on with it." Anders finally managed to pull himself out of his state of annoyance to knock the smaller man on the head as lightly as he could with his knuckles. "Just get the story over and done with."

Hawke threw him a look that clearly said she could see that something was bothering him, it sort of made him glad to be finally seen properly by Hawke but of course her attention being on him only lasted a moment until her eyes were fixed on Isabela again.

What made it worse was that he didn't even know if Hawke knew herself how much she looked at the dark-skinned woman. What if she didn't? Would he, Anders, be the one to tell her?

Varric interrupted his thoughts with a loud laugh, putting his feet up on Ander's lap before the blonde could protest.

"Alright then! Time to start the story!"

* * *

><p><em><strong>H<strong>awke didn't really remember how she managed to get into her own bed last night considering she was prett_y _sure she had passed out on Aveline's lap the evening before, but it truly didn't matter, at least she was safe and right where she belonged._

_She turned onto her right side with a sigh of contentment, smacking her lips together and nuzzling her face into the comfortable softness of her pillow. _

_Well what would have been a pillow if Hawke didn't suddenly find herself sneezing on what felt like hair with her eyes opened wide and her hands moving upwards to cover her nose; a foolish attempt to stop herself from literally sneezing her brains out._

_What made it worse was that she knew that scent on the fine hair like she knew her own name was Phoenix; that scent could only belong to the one person she knew better than she actually knew herself._

"_Isabela!" She growled as she shot up in her bed, back rigid and her eyes narrowed threateningly at the sleeping bundle next to her. "What are you DOING?"_

_Isabela didn't even bother to look at her properly and instead turned onto her side so that her back (which was very much naked) with a yawn escaping the dark-skinned woman's lips. "I'm sleeping Bird-brains. Or at least I was until you decided to wake me up."_

_Hawke wasted no time and flicked the other woman in the back of the head with a frown marring her features. "Normally I wouldn't mind but you're sleeping butt naked in my bed! What the hell happened last night?"_

_That seemed to wake Isabela up, enough that the translator finally turned onto her side to face Hawke with a look that clearly said Isabela couldn't remember a thing that had happened last night either - or what she was doing in Hawke's bed (naked) for that matter._

"_Did I get drunk?" Isabela asked her through bleary eyes and what sounded like a parched throat. "Because I don't remember me coming in last night."_

"_Isabela I think we've established it's impossible to get you drunk because you've been drinking for so long," Hawke muttered as she rubbed her eyes just in case she was actually dreaming - or having a nightmare. "And that's strange because I can't remember how I got here last night either."_

"_Maybe we had sex or something!" Isabela laughed with her hand coming up to rub against her forehead. She always joked about their close relationship, knowing that it would drive Hawke up the wall every time she did so because if there was one thing that Hawke did not like was being pushed up against an invisible barrier with rumours that weren't true. "And I was that amazing it blacked out both our experiences!"_

_Hawke grumbled and gave the other woman her hardest look in case Isabela decided to continue on with her ranting; this look was only given when Hawke really wanted Isabela to catch that hint that if she didn't shut up then she would punch her. Very hard. _

"_Why would I shag you? Best friends don't shag." Hawke stated in that very simple tone of hers that Isabela wasn't quite sure if she liked or if she had simply gotten so used to it that she totally ignored it. "Everyone knows that."_

_Isabela gave Hawke a sympathetic look and patted the other woman's exposed collarbone with a concerned noise escaping at the back of her throat. "You obviously didn't watch Scrubs long enough Hawke."_

_Hawke crossed her arms over her naked chest and pouted out her lower lip; that was completely untrue. She and Isabela watched Scrubs repeats every Thursday night and all the gay best friend sex she had seen on there was only part of Isabela's wild imagination._

"_Oh!" Isabela gasped all of a sudden before reaching under the duvet cover of Hawke's bed (Hawke noticed that once again Isabela had got herself inked over again, this time a dragon running along the area above her hip) to retrieve a small, circular object that looked suspiciously like a…_

"_Why is a condom in my bed?" Hawke said with a tilt of her head to the side and gave her best friend a look that made Isabela think Hawke was either trying hard not to smile or that she was trying hard not to yell at the indecency of such an object being in her bed._

_Isabela on the other hand snorted and brought the condom closer to her face. "Who knows? Maybe I should ask it? 'Oh excuse me Mr Long and Stretchy, what on EARTH are you doing in Bird-brain's bed?' There, I asked."_

_Hawke isn't amused. "Very funny Snooks. I'm being SERIOUS here, what is a condom doing in my bed?"_

_Isabela shrugged and catapulted it towards the bin near her cabinet by digging her thumbs in around the thin strap and letting it go soon after holding it back - the consequence of such an action being that the condom ended up hanging off a hook of Hawke's shoe rack. _

_Hawke can only answer with a bitter, sarcastic laugh that made Isabela give her a disapproving side-way glance that she used only on very special occasions when Hawke is being more of an ass than she is a best friend. _

"_Oh that's brilliant! Maybe I grew a magical cock and impregnated you! That'd be the REAL icing of the cake wouldn't it?" Hawke ranted with her eyes narrowed and her breathing coming in long, shallow breaths that would be fine anywhere else but in the same bed as her best friend when they are both stark naked? Not so much._

_The worst thing? Isabela's silence is deafening and without realizing until it's too late Hawke saw something that is both discomforting and frightening - Curiosity. Hawke knew very well how far Isabela's curious could go and if she even thought that Hawke had somehow managed to knock her up._

"_Your parents always DID say you were special Hawke," Isabela whispered with wide-eyes that caused Hawke to groan at the unbelievable situation that Isabela's mind had trusted upon them. "And remember your Auntie Bryn? The one with three belly buttons? She was weird wasn't she? You could be just like her!"_

"_By growing a magical cock?" Hawke emphasised her sentence with a deep, low voice that not only stretches her words out but also makes it sound like she's speaking in slow motion; when it comes to Isabela she's not completely sure if she does that anyway. _

_Isabela sent her 'the' look. _

_(Hawke won't admit that she likes the look a lot more than she herself realises. The look suits Isabela though; the dip of her brow, the arch of her eyebrows and the subtle smirk of her lips. Hawke won't admit that she likes the look.) _

"_Hawke it would explain why there is a ripped but not used condom at the bottom of our-"_

"_My." Hawke interrupted with a growl. _

"_-bed. Besides why else are we naked together in the same bed? We sure don't usually cuddle like this." _

_Hawke refused to admit she cuddled Isabela. Okay maybe she did cuddle her, but only a little bit when she's drunk and Isabela's high off this thing called 'dust' that Varric provided under Aveline's disapproving gaze, and after they had finished cuddling she'd punch Isabela sharply on the shoulder in the way best buds did._

_Aveline had laughed at her the first time she had witnessed such an event. _

_(You might as well have screamed 'no homo'!)_

_Isabela took her silence as an answer in itself and without waiting she pulled back the covers (revealing herself in all her naked glory) and shuffled to the edge, pulling her hair up in a bun and standing up to shuffle towards her own drawer. _

"_What are you looking for?" Hawke asked the dark-skinned woman with an arch of her brow, shuffling forwards on her bottom until she was at the very edge of her bed. "You aren't taking this seriously are you? Because we obviously didn't."_

_Isabela stared wide-eyed at her over her shoulder. "But what if we DID?"_

"_We didn't." Hawke insisted with a grumble, trying not to wonder too hard on how she had managed to become naked in a bed next to her best friend. _

"_You just don't want to give me money to help me and our baby out!" Isabela accused with a lone finger pointed in Hawke's direction; at this point Hawke didn't even know if Isabela was kidding or if the pirate honestly did believe that she had grown a magical cock and knocked her up._

_And then. "Wow, what will ANDERS say?" _

"_Hopefully the same as me: I. Do. Not. Possess. A. Magical. Cock. And you aren't pregnant for goodness sake!"_

"_Well we find out in about two weeks time so no worries Birdy, this will just be a test to show how masculine you are!" Isabela said with a cheerful grin, pulling on her clothes that she had tossed on the floor yesterday (or so she thought, she wasn't completely sure herself). "I'm sure Av will be jealous!"_

_Hawke knew very well that whenever Isabela got an idea in her head like this it would only be best for her to indulge her best friend until Isabela finished her task or got bored and went back to watching Torchwood marathons with her._

"_Fine." She grumbled as she too slipped out of HER bed. "But I refuse to name it Isabela Snooksy Jr. No Snooks I'm not kidding, that's the worst name ever."_

"_Yeah cause Phoenix is WAY better."_

"_Shut it or I won't hold your hand when the baby comes - Aveline can hold it instead."_

_Even Isabela knew when it was best to walk away from such things like subtle threats of Aveline crushing her hand._

* * *

><p><em><strong>T<strong>wo weeks passed and Hawke was…Worried. Isabela had thrown up everyday since the apparent 'conception' of her little Hawke in the oven and well if that wasn't just a little bit weird then she didn't know what could get any weirder._

"_Well it couldn't get any worse," Hawke thought aloud as she rubbed at Isabela's back with a cynical smile that told more things than it hid. "I might have actually had a magical cock for that night and knocked you up but that's FINE! I'm FINE with it!"_

_Isabela looked up at her miserably with bleary eyes before throwing up once more in the toilet with a grunt. "I hate my life. I hate you and your magical cock as well. Why didn't you use a condom?"_

_Hawke rubbed her forehead and shook her head in the most pathetic way she could muster up because how the hell did she know this shit was going to happen? She hadn't told anyone about this situation, not even Carver, Bethany or Alex and they were part of her family! No way was she going to live down the story of growing a magical penis and impregnating Isabela with it. _

_To answer Isabela's question she merely rubbed her back in slower motions and smaller circles than before with a grunt. "I didn't even know I was going to grow a magical cock and knock you up with it."_

"_You should have been more careful Hawke!" Isabela spat at her for a moment before wrenching herself away from the toilet with a growl and rushing towards the sink to swill her mouth out with water. "Maker's breath…I'm your best friend too! How could you do this to me?"_

"_I'm sorry!" Hawke continued to apologize for the fiftieth time this week with another rub at her forehead to try and soothe the ache there because honestly she didn't know if she was going insane by allowing herself to fall into the obvious trickery of Isabela's playful words or very, very patient when it came to Isabela and her mind games._

"_Do you think it would be a bad idea to go fetch a pregnancy test?" Isabela mumbled a few minutes later after stumbling out the bathroom with the back of her hand rubbing irritably over her dried lips. "Because if I don't find out soon then I'm going to eat that whole jar of pickles in the cupboard and I know how much you love those pickles."_

_Hawke looked up from where she had been sitting on the sofa for the past five minutes and gave her best friend a scowl. "Snooks if I get you one of these then do you promise to let me watch Scrubs tonight?"_

"_No." Isabela didn't promise these sort of things, it was either a yes or no answer in her mind. _

_They shared a glance that was half scowl (Hawke) and half smirk (Isabela) before Phoenix Hawke grumbled and got up from where she was sitting to grab and shove her jacket on. "Fine. I hate you."_

"_Do not say that in front of the baby!"_

"_There is no baby!" Hawke snapped as she reached the apartment door, sending Isabela a scathing glare over her shoulder. "You've just got a fucked up stomach!"_

_Isabela flipped her the finger and proceeded to waltz into their kitchenette before reappearing soon after with a jar of pickles in her hand. _

"_Deny our baby's existence again," she warned as she twisted open the lid and dug her hand inside. "And I will eat every last one."_

_Hawke left soon after with another grumble._

* * *

><p><strong>"A<strong>nd then after Hawke here managed to get the pregnancy test she realised that me and Isabela had set her up!" Varric chortled with a slap of his knee, ignoring the glares he was receiving off both Hawke and Anders. "Bah! And Anders had got all worried too!"

"It wasn't funny Varric!" Hawke hissed with her arms folded and her eyes encouraging help from Aveline's with the pleading glint in them. "I thought I was actually going insane!"

"And I thought I was going to be second best to Isabela AND the kid," Anders grumbled in what he hoped to be a jokey manner but by the look of Hawke's face it indeed seemed to have come out like he was the biggest douche in the world. "What world we all live in…"

Fenris, who had most likely just finished his shift, sat down next to Aveline with a smile that made Anders feel as though he was being laughed at; and to nobody's surprise it turned out he was because that's just typical Fenris isn't it?

"Hawke already considers you as second best to Isabela my _friend_," Fenris filled the awkward silence with a rumbling chuckle that did nothing but make Anders tense in a way that he knew would satisfy the darker skinned man next to him - because if there is one thing Anders isn't to Fenris, it's his friend. "I think you better get used to it."

Isabela shot Anders a lurid smile and a wave then, looking positively smug if somewhat a little superior.

Hawke rolled her eyes and pressed her forehead to the table. "We're just friends for Maker's sake!"

Isabela patted her on the head with a click of her tongue. "I know Birdy…Now who wants to play on Fenris's PS3 in the back?"

"Me?" Hawke answered with a mumble and a shrug of her shoulders.

"Yes birdy, you." Isabela looked over at the wide-eyed Merrill who hadn't spoken a word since the ending of Varric's tall tale. "What about you kitten? Coming to watch me spank Hawke's ass at-"

Merrill's eyes widened even more at Isabela's words before she promptly fled the table with a squeak.

Hawke watched the younger girl go with an arched brow. "Was it something you said Isabela?"

The rest of the group sighed.


End file.
